Thoughts About Delayed Ejaculation

Personality And Emotional Characteristics of men with delayed ejaculation

Sometimes men with delayed ejaculation seem to have a lack of self-awareness, and a tendency to externalize their feelings. And sometimes their connection with their own sexuality is weak, and looking at their feelings is challenging. And sometimes there are obvious connections between a man’s historical life experience and the sexual problems he faces as an adult.

Some men prefer to believe there must be a physical cause for delayed ejaculation. They may find this idea is easier to cope with than the notion that delayed or inhibited ejaculation may be caused by emotional or psychological factors.

Then again, some men with delayed ejaculation have been brought up in an environment which cut them off from their feelings and acted to harden them psychologically and emotionally, a process which has been described as one of “toughening up” and battling against physical or mental weakness.

They have often not had complete or adequate opportunity at puberty to develop strong male characteristics.

And some men who are looking for a cure for delayed ejaculation have limited experience of sex or have found sex to be disappointing.

Erotic Flow & Delayed Ejaculation

On a more general level, sexual excitement or sexual activity makes us all see the world in a very different way from the way we see it normally.

Most men and women have a sexual life which is clearly defined and separate from everyday life.

Most of us can slip between the two with a greater or lesser degree of ease – erotic thoughts can intrude on everyday tasks, for example, or we can be distracted during sex by thoughts of everyday activities. But we move between the two without much difficulty.

However, for some men with delayed ejaculation, moving into the erotic world can be challenging – the erotic world may be seen or somehow felt as dangerous.

Lack Of Sexual Arousal

Indeed, it seems that many men with delayed ejaculation wish to avoid entering their erotic world. In many cases they may not even be able to enter an erotic world, having no concept of such a thing in their minds….. if they wish to be erotic, they create an environment which seems erotic, but does not come from their internal sexual process. There is, in essence, no arousal.

Men who can’t ejaculate during sex may also have negative associations of male sexuality with violence and abuse.

This also dampens down their sexual response. The power and vitality of their sexual life is weakened and their internal erotic world is unable to provide them with the arousal needed for successful sex.

Because aggression is a fundamental part of human sexuality, men who are turned off by aggression or violence will split their aggressive impulses from their sexual ones, and that further weakens their sexual desire and arousal.

However, an autoerotic occupation with fantasy and porn may be arousing enough to produce an orgasm during masturbation.

The consequence of all this is that men with delayed ejaculation may not be able to function sexually with ease. They may not, for example, be able to ask for what they want sexually; they may not even know what they want sexually.

They may not be accustomed to becoming aroused through the touch of a loved one, or they may not know how to get aroused by erotic stimulation.

Because sex becomes mechanical and lacks real connection, they may develop behaviors which are hidden ways of avoiding sex, including erectile dysfunction.

There are many theories about the origin of DE. But what makes it harder to assess which might be correct is that human sexuality is so variable. However, there are some common factors which are often seen in men with this dysfunction. Here’s a summary of them.

1 Men with DE often seem to have a disrupted relationship with their own sexuality

You could describe this as a kind of remoteness from self. It’s almost like the man’s ability to perceive his inner world of thoughts and feelings is somehow disrupted or blocked. This results in him externalizing feelings, especially fear or shame.

Sometimes this is caused by enormous emotional stress and some very painful life events which had a direct impact on the man at a time when his sexuality was emerging and his sexual identity forming.

They may deny this, or be unaware of it –  but often some of the most traumatic events a man has experienced centered around his introduction to the world of adult sexuality.

And often he had an upbringing where battling against the environment and fighting to be strong was emphasized: in other words, he was taught as a boy that he needed to be tough, to be resilient, and to battle against all kinds of weakness.

2 The importance of normal male sexual development

Our society does not help young men achieve healthy sexual adulthood, in particular because there is usually no transitional space where a boy can experience puberty.

In historical societies, puberty and the rituals and ceremony associated with it often functioned as a place where young men could learn more about the transition to adulthood and the adoption of adult male responsibilities. Here’s a couple of questions which sum all this up: do you know how to respond to, control, dominate and accept female sexuality? Do you feel safe as you become physically intimate with women?

3 Loss of an inner erotic world

A loss of the inner erotic world is another key factor in many men with delayed ejaculation.

One example of this is how we are all likely to do things when we are sexually aroused that we would not consider doing during everyday life.So sexual arousal changes the nature of our consciousness and affects our perception, and it is clearly important for a healthy individual to have an understanding of how these two worlds are different.

That’s not to say they’re always clearly differentiated from each other – you may well have noticed how, when you’re bored, you can suddenly slip into an erotic fantasy. But a man with delayed ejaculation may find that stepping from the everyday world into the erotic world of fantasy or sexual reality is somehow dangerous or risky.

This is some kind of deep-rooted psychological issue with sex. Because of this, the man’s subjective erotic world may be either limited or inaccessible during sexual relationships with his partner.

And at the same time, it’s possible that a man may still feel safe enough to engage in “auto sexuality”, either as sexual fantasy on his own, masturbation with pornography or Internet sex.

4 And some men with delayed ejaculation will have difficulty expressing sexual needs…

…in other words, defining or expressing requests for the thing that would actually arouse them most.

The outcome of this is that sex becomes some kind of mechanical process in which a couple has lost all sense of giving and receiving, and perhaps also all sensitive sensory orientated touching for pleasure. A man may then develop erectile dysfunction or even begin to avoid sex altogether.

In some ways it’s almost like inhibiting your own breathing. Normally, breathing is a reflex response, but we have the choice to stop breathing or to change the rate at which we breathe.

Some experts think delayed ejaculation is rather like this. Some kind of “conscious inhibition” is switched on just when the body should be relying on automatic reflexes to move rapidly towards orgasm and ejaculation.

5 Deep, unconscious feelings about sex play a part

If this is so, just why is a man with delayed ejaculation “holding back”? One obvious explanation is that the idea of coming inside his partner is, at some level, anxiety provoking or threatening. Perhaps there’s a fear of an unwanted pregnancy, or some deeply buried memory of past traumatic sexual experiences, or the fear of shame, guilt or other negative consequences about sex.

Or a man may have anxiety about getting (or not getting) his own sexual needs met; or perhaps he holds traumatic memories of “getting caught” while being sexual in boyhood; or he has had some other trauma that has inhibited his ability to express himself sexually.

Sex is not shameful, though, even if you were told it was! (Here’s a piece on childhood abuse.)

To repeat, subconscious issues associated with delayed ejaculation might include the following emotional intelligence and explanations

  • fear of loss of control
  • anxiety associated with the altered state of consciousness that is associated with sex, orgasm and ejaculation
  • fear of embarrassment
  • sexual shame due to an inhibited sexual upbringing
  • some kind of conflict about a man’s own sense of masculinity or around the belief that a real man doesn’t show weakness, or vulnerability, even during the act of coitus
  • a man may simply not be aroused enough because his sexual urges are focused on some kind of particular paraphilia or stimulus
  • it might be something as simple as the fact that he feels hostility and anger towards his partner or even towards women in general.

In all cases, these feelings can be traced to unresolved conflicts and psychosexual development which hasn’t progressed normally.

Now, as you can see, most of these explanations for the causation and etiology of delayed ejaculation are fairly speculative, and they are certainly not easy to prove one way or another.

6 Many men with delayed ejaculation display a high level of performance anxiety.

They may feel very pressured to perform to a high standard, and have a real belief that it is their duty to satisfy their partner during sex.

7 Idiosyncratic masturbation

Sometimes a man learned, as an adolescent, to masturbate with a technique that required high frequency and perhaps high-pressure movements. He may have conditioned his sexual responses so that only one particular type of touch, often a very vigorous one, delivered in a particular way, is sufficient to bring him to orgasm and make him reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

Idiosyncratic Masturbation

Idiosyncratic Masturbation

If you read around on the Internet, you’re going to find a lot of men talking about idiosyncratic masturbation.

What this means is that many men can’t ejaculate during intercourse, but only by masturbation with their own hand. The reason for this is because they require a much firmer pressure and perhaps speed of stroke to reach orgasm than can be provided during intercourse in a warm wet vagina.

You might think at first that this is a penis sensitivity issue, and in one sense you’d be right. Generally speaking men in this situation have learned to masturbate using a hard stroke, or perhaps by thrusting into the mattress without using the hand at all.

Clearly this can be a problem when a man later comes to have intercourse – there simply isn’t enough pressure to reach orgasm. There’s a scientific article on idiosyncratic masturbation here.

It’s a kind of conditioning response where the body expects hard pressure and fast strokes on the penis to be able to reach the level of stimulation necessary for orgasm. The good news about this is that this can be reversed by training the body to respond to lower levels of stimulation, just as it was conditioned to respond to high levels of stimulation in the first place.

But there is some bad news too!

Pornography, Masturbation and Delays In Orgasm

In general men who have this problem seem to find sexual relief by masturbating to pornography, and there is a kind of addictive quality about this. At least some people see porn use as an addiction – the problem is, of course, that for as long as a man seeks sexual relief by masturbating to porn in his traditional hard and fast style, he’s not going to have the opportunity to retrain his body to a softer, gentler style of stimulation with his partner.

So a man needs to be willing to give up porn use and/or masturbating vigorously with hard strokes, and dedicate the time and effort to gaining sexual relief with his partner using more gentle stimulation. The problem, as you might have guessed, is that a man’s sexual drive generally takes him back to porn, no matter how good his intentions might be in the first place.

So how can this problem be resolved?

We know that delayed ejaculation can occur for a number of reasons, including the side-effects of prescription medication, high levels of stress and anxiety, possibly high levels of anger and resentment, or boredom, disconnection from one’s internal world sexuality in fantasy, and aversion to sex.

In essence the problem for most men, though, is that they’re simply not getting enough stimulation. If they’re going to stop masturbating with a hard and fast style, then this level of stimulation needs to be replaced or substituted in some way.

In general a sexual partner isn’t able to provide the same level of stimulation as the man can for himself, because he alone knows exactly how his penis needs to be stimulated to reach orgasm. So the greater level of stimulation necessary to reach orgasm has to be provided in some other way.

This could be oral sex (if a man finds that particularly stimulating), or it could be some other way in which more sexual novelty can be introduced into a sexual relationship  – emotional/mental novelty is a good place to start….

So you could use “dirty talk”, if that’s particularly arousing and stimulating, or you could try role-playing, sharing fantasies, or thinking about the things that you can do together which you find exciting and which will increase the level of sexual arousal for the man – especially as he comes nearer to the point of ejaculation.

In addition, some men have found particularly it’s effective to identify the trigger points on their bodies which make them respond particularly strongly to sexual stimulation. For example this might be nipple stimulation, anal stimulation, scrotal stimulation, or even internal prostate stimulation.

There has to be a willingness here on the part of the man to abstain from masturbation for at least a few days, and a willingness on the part of both a man and his partner to explore different ways of achieving sexual stimulation and higher levels of arousal.

By the way, if you’re experiencing sexual performance anxiety, then it’s well worth dealing with that aspect of the situation before you start trying to overcome the idiosyncratic masturbation style you’ve developed, since anxiety can be an inhibitor to ejaculation and arousal.


Autosexuality, is in essence, simply a situation where a man prefers sexual stimulation from his own hand to stimulation from a partner in any form. This hints at the need for some kind of counseling or therapy to resolve the issues and tease out what might be causing this preference for “solo sex”. It’s not homosexuality, it’s just a preference for sexual relief with oneself rather than another person.

If you’re in this situation, then you might need to readjust your expectations of real sex with partner so that they are are in line with your internal fantasies about what sex with a partner can offer.

That’s particularly true if you employ “idiosyncratic” masturbation, and there is some current disparity between the reality of being with a sexual partner and the type of fantasy you have about what that might be like…. in such a situation it’s well worthwhile seeking out ways in which you can find greater levels of erotic stimulation before and during sexual intercourse.

Abstaining from sex can certainly increase the level of “sexual tension”  you feel, and this in turn can help you to reach orgasm, but ultimately this is about finding a way in which you can become more stimulated and more aroused through the touch and presence of your partner in a sexual situation.

Delayed Ejaculation Treatment methods


A suitable case for delayed ejaculation treatment?

In every case, there needs to be exploration of the possible biological, psychological, and genetic reasons why a man might be experiencing difficulty in reaching orgasm in a timely way during intercourse. If part of the problem is that a man is in getting too little stimulation during lovemaking, then it’s possible to use additional “artificial” stimulation of his sensory and erogenous zones to increase his arousal.

This might include nipple stimulation, anal stimulation, or the use of a vibrator, which might be applied on the perineum, the base of the penile shaft, or other sensitive areas. Some men find these approaches to be very helpful in speeding up their “arrival” at orgasm. 

Video – overcoming delayed ejaculation

Other problems with delayed ejaculation

Furthermore, any medication which might be interfering with the man’s sexual responses should be stopped, or an alternative prescription found. Many prescriptions medications can delay ejaculation.

One of the interesting aspects about treating this condition is that obviously by the time a man and his partner come for treatment, he may be extremely frustrated with his own progress, and this impatience can sometimes act against the successful outcome of delayed ejaculation treatment.

If this applies to you, it’s important to realize that the benefits you might get in the longer term will far outweigh the inconvenience now (in the sense that you think you’re “doing nothing” during treatment that goes slowly or takes a long time).

And because anxiety and obsessive-compulsive characteristics are major aspects of delayed ejaculation, either in the sense that they can create the problem, or they can compound it, then clearly using any kind of technique that reduces anxiety will be a significant part of therapy for the delayed nature of  ejaculation. In essence these are cognitive-behavioral techniques.

Behavior Therapy For Delayed Ejaculation

Therapists often start with mindfulness and breathing techniques which will increase a sense of self-awareness and induce progressive relaxation.

Naturally, one of the reasons that a man doesn’t reach the point of ejaculation is that his sexual arousal isn’t high enough to trigger his ejaculation. He hasn’t (or doesn’t) reached the point of no return, so using techniques that increase sensory receptiveness and awareness are also a helpful part of any solution. For example, men with delayed ejaculation may find that they have a kind of “sensory defensiveness”.

What this means in practice is that particular sensory input either doesn’t register in the normal way, because it’s repressed, or it produces a high level of anxiety, sometimes, in fact, overwhelming anxiety.

Such anxiety can be produced by many different aspects of intimate relationships: for example, open-mouthed kissing, or the sensation or smell of the vagina may produce a great deal of uncomfortable feelings or anxiety. And sometimes these can even produce aversion, which will actually inhibit the development of normal sexual arousal.

One way of dealing with this within a behavioral treatment approach is to use some kind of non-demand approach: this means exploring the problematic stimulus in a way that increases the man’s tolerance of this particular type of sensory stimulation.

For example, if a man’s inhibited and slow sexual responses have something to do with the sensation of vaginal wetness, then using lubrication on the body, rubbing sexual organs, and exploring stimulation in the shower together may be helpful.


Idiosyncratic masturbation & therapeutic resistance

In the case of idiosyncratic masturbation, sexual therapy would generally encourage a man with delayed ejaculation to use different positions and intensities of self stimulation, or to use different fantasies or visualizations whilst masturbating.

The aim here is to break the set established patterns that have played out over such a long time. And increased flexibility of approach to masturbation will help a man to develop further patterns of stimulation and responsivity during sex with a partner.

Resistance to therapy for ejaculation delay, particularly in situations where a man claims that he wants to “cure” the problem, is indicative of a difficulty, either psychological or behavioral, that could get in the way of effective treatment. These issues are explained in this book on self help treatment for delayed ejaculationSadly, men who experience resistance may gradually become aware that they do not, in fact, like their sexual partner.

Delayed Ejaculation and Subconscious Resistance

Delayed ejaculation can be a method of expressing some kind of resistance to imtimacy. It’s a way that a man can express what he’s really feeling, without him having to be consciously aware of what he’s feeling. And another possibility is that exploring this resistance consciously can offer men and their partners and insight into why sex between them is an arousing or unappealing. (Shadow work is one of the tools that can be helpful in this regard.)

It may be, for example, that a man who is slow to ejaculate has a belief system that he is sexually inadequate, and his performance in bed is inadequate satisfy his partner. It may be that he is being over-attentive to his partner’s needs, and paying no attention to his own sexual needs: perhaps the man believes that sex and aggression don’t mix, or that he needs to pay great attention to his partner.

It’s also possible that a man can simply be “trying too hard”, and not feeling any pleasure, because he feels a very high level of demand on him during lovemaking. That can be why his ejaculation is delayed.

Generally, with effective therapy, a man can come to see that these messages are simply picked up from other people within the family, or from some other aspect of the individual psychological history.

Masturbation as therapy for delayed ejaculation in men

And what if the man doesn’t currently have a sexual partner? How can therapy proceed? The answer seems to be that a therapist could recommend that a man uses masturbation with a vibrator, seeks out further sexual information and understanding, and explores his history in a way that might shed light on why he is having difficulty reaching orgasm.

Since a few men have difficulty reaching orgasm during masturbation, this particular form of delayed ejaculation can be approached without a partner, by exploring flexibility in masturbation techniques.

Furthermore, focusing on increasing one’s sexual arousal without looking to the goal of reaching orgasm can allow a man to experience a different approach to climax. This puts the emphasis on pleasure rather than sexual performance. This can often help with delayed ejaculation, and it certainly avoid “spectatoring“.

How To Really Enjoy Sex


The Setting

Care should be given to the choice of bedroom and to its furnishing and equipment. If you wish, the room should be soundproof. Nothing can be more restraining, or indeed off-putting, than for a couple to be conscious of the fact that they can be overheard while having sex. In fact, many couples find it impossible to reach orgasm if they may be overheard.

(Others, however, find the prospect exciting.) Not only are sounds stimulating to the lovers themselves, they can be equally highly sexual to those who overhear them. Have the right setting – a big bed, with comfortable, luxurious sheets, high quality cotton preferably. And because you’re going to want to enjoy the sight and sound of your partner, the large bed should be placed in a room warm enough to enjoy making love naked.

Have at least one broad, long mirror fixed somewhere in the room. As many as the room will take or you can afford is an even better idea. It’s fun to have one fixed to the ceiling over the bed.

Why mirrors? Because all men, and quite a lot of women, get a really good kick out of watching themselves enjoying sex. The sight of the penis sliding in and out of the vagina turns all men on, and women find it exciting to watch their man getting turned on.

Don’t have sex in the dark, if possible, because the facial expressions of a turned on partner can be highly arousing. And what’s more, you can see where you’re going. So lighting is a really important feature of any room where you enjoy sex. At night you need a good light, but not a glaring one.

lamp on either side of the bed with shades which cut off the direct glare is a very practical arrangement. But you also need a good center light too, so you can enjoy sex in other areas of the room and see what is happening in the mirror! Daylight of course is best, so if you are not observed when you have a day-time session, let the daylight stream unimpeded into the room.

You will also need one or two other pieces of equipment. For example, a stool at least three feet long and fourteen inches wide, with a comfortably upholstered top. It should be the exact height of the mattress when it is depressed by the man lying on it on his shoulders and back, his buttocks and thighs supported by the stool.

(This stool makes it possible for you to use a restful woman on top sex position, which allows her to have both feet firmly on the floor. This in turn allows her to ride you from above which she cannot do so expertly either kneeling or squatting astride on a non-rigid base.)

You also need another stool, this time a low one, just the right height to bring the man’s genital area in line with the woman’s when she lies on her back with her legs dangling over the edge of the bed. Naturally, if the bed is low enough so that this alignment happens automatically when the man kneels on the floor – on a cushion – this stool is not needed.

Unless you have fairly frequent opportunities to make love in the kitchen, or dining room, and like doing it on a chair, have a strong, comfortable chair – without arms – in the bedroom. A good supply of towels for cleaning up after sex or using beneath you while you make love will make cleaning up after sex more comfortable.

You should regard every room in the house as a potential setting for your lovemaking. No room should be barred, because different surroundings are themselves stimulating and a strong antidote to boredom. The Living Room, for example, isn’t used for lovemaking half as much as it should be.

So what if man has difficulty ejaculating during sex? What does that actually signify? Is it delayed ejaculation? The answer is that it mostly depends on other factor, and on what he is doing in other areas of his life – if he is a young man, with high levels of testosterone, then he may find that delayed ejaculation is a psychological issue which comes from idiosyncratic masturbatory patterns of some form, or from deep emotional or psychological issues with sex.

How to really enjoy sex

If he is in his mid-life stages, then he may find that it is more about the loss of testosterone. In the later stages of his life he may find that it is actually all about the extension of his refractory period to such an extent that he cannot any longer obtain an erection or reach the point of ejaculation within a few days of his last experience of sex.

We are all too apt to go in for sex after we have stripped, whereas in fact sex can be just as exciting (sometimes even more so) if we start making love while we’ve still got our clothes on, or at any rate most of them.

See to it that your living room has a comfortable sofa, or a very roomy armchair, and lots of cushions (to be placed under buttocks, to be knelt on, to rest elbows on and so on); good lighting for sex; is warm enough for lovemaking; and anything else you like.

A planned session of sex ought never to last less than one hour, preferably an hour and a half; ideally, two hours or more. There are also spontaneous sessions of sex, the ones which spring upon you without much warning. The majority of couples enjoy lovemaking on average between twelve and sixteen times a month.

At least half the time most couples do not wait for the body’s chemistry to nudge them into action, but just the reverse, they nudge the body chemistry into action by planning a session of sex. Of course, you may have sex more or less often – not all couples’ sex drive is the same.

Of course, it is a fact that in any relationship, sex drive goes stale of the couple become less interested after a while. That is why seduction strategies need to be constantly reinforced – dating tips for women .

Fortunately, both men and women don’t have to wait for their sex drives to operate. They can fuck whenever they have a mind to, as long as the man has an erection and the woman’s vagina is relaxed enough for the penis to get into it with the aid of saliva if she isn’t particularly aroused.

Every couple can recognize sex drive promptings when they experience them. There’s a tenseness in the loins and genitals, a pleasant sensation of interior fullness which indicates that something, somewhere has got to be emptied, experienced as a gradual build-up.

This warning can come at any time of the day, and when it does you know for a certainty that within a short time you’re going to be having sex. It is the inevitability of this which allows you to plan the timing of your session.

There are not many couples in the world whose sex drive rhythms coincide. So often the man will be responding to sex drive promptings, while his partner is not, and vice versa.

But this doesn’t matter. Lovemaking is an equal partnership. Both have the right to initiate activities, and both have the right to expect the other to cooperate at least some of the time.

Although one partner has made up his/her mind that there must be a session of sex they make their desires known to one another by gestures and caresses, so that, when the time comes, a hint of “early bed”, or a caress that indicates sex doesn’t come as too great a surprise.

How long is needed for good sex? An hour and a half can frequently be found; an hour is always possible. But why so long? Simply to give each other the greatest sexual pleasure you’ve ever had. You can’t, or at least you shouldn’t try, to hurry any woman, and any woman who lets herself be hurried will not enjoy sex to the full.

Equally, a man who wishes to can certainly control his speed to orgasm. Premature ejaculation – rapid ejaculation which leaves both partners unsatisfied – does not make for good sex.

And it doesn’t mean that a man’s partner is not to caress him at all, or even only half-heartedly. He should be able to take all she can provide in the way of stimulation.

Ideally a man can make love to his partner, and be made love to by her, for any length of time, and though he may at times be close to ejaculation, he can always be sure he is not going to come until he gives himself permission to do so.

Ideally he can pass an hour, after a long session of fellatio and other exciting activities, with his penis in her vagina, and, what’s more, keep up a constant movement, and still be able to last longer in bed.

When he is sure that he knows how to make a woman come, – click here – (and if he’s not sure, he will ask her), he tells her, “I’m going to come now!” and he does in ten, fifteen, thirty seconds!

Ejaculation Control Techniques can help you become a longer lasting lover. All too-rapid ejaculators begin to thrust with buttock muscles tensed as soon as they get their penis in position.

Tensed buttock muscles have a close connection with speed to orgasm for all men; a significant part of the secret of delaying orgasm lies in relaxed pelvic and buttock muscles.

One man observed: “When I have decided I’m going to come, I can control the speed with which I ejaculate by the degree to which I clench my buttock and pelvic muscles.

Really tight equals ten seconds; not quite so tight – fifteen seconds; and a shade more relaxed still – thirty seconds.” Sexologists use one word for the action of the penis, in the vagina – thrusting. But with pelvic and buttock muscles relaxed the movement can be termed “Swinging”; when these muscles are tensed, then the man is “thrusting.”

Why bother to overcome premature ejaculation anyway? If you make love with the view to obtaining the most intense sensual experience, bring each other to the threshold of coming; pause till you’re relaxed again; begin stimulation once more to the same point; pause again.

The more often both the woman and the man are brought to the threshold of orgasm, when you do decide at last to orgasm and/or ejaculate, the more devastating your orgasm will be. Lovemaking, therefore, can’t be hurried if you want to enjoy the biggest and best orgasms.

A man can be brought to the threshold of orgasm at least six times an hour; a woman at least four times. To do this, the man must have absolute control, but when he finally does go over the edge it will all have been worth it.

The more often he reaches the ejaculatory threshold, the better his final orgasm will be when he eventually reaches it. So it is too, for the female partner.

This is why you must have time, except on those occasions where you are both so aroused that you are going to ejaculate or reach orgasm within seconds of beginning to have sex.

Scientifically speaking the ideal time for a sex session – at least from the man’s point of view – is between 6 am and 8 am. Most men’s daily production cycle of testosterone – the hormone that among other things makes him feel horny (sexually responsive) – is at its peak at 7 am. But you can always vary the time to keep sex fresh and exciting and match each other’s preferred time.

Qualities of men and sexual power

Qualities of men and sexual power

Finding a mate – whether it’s just for a day, a night, a week, or a lifetime – is one of the perennial occupations of men.

The strange thing is that it’s just as important for women – but they are socially programmed to appear as though it’s less important. So, in general, even in this era of supposed equality, we men still have to do most of the work in setting up relationships.

And if you’ve never learnt the skills that are needed to be confident sexually and socially, then you’re going to have a challenge getting sex.

It’s not a shameful thing: in fact, I think it’s sad and unfair that women can sit back and do the sexual selection while men risk rejection, humiliation and struggle with getting sex.

Because, make no mistake about it, while men attempt to get laid or get relationships, women control the development of relationships, and they certainly control the sex.

I’ve heard it said that men have to court women: however, what actually happens in a courtship is that men give women an opportunity to select them as a mate or sexual partner.

Video – how to make a woman fall in love with you

In fact, sex is one of the few areas in modern society where women have real power.

But, you may say, even if all that is true, what does it have to do with getting a long term relationship? This is something men want just as much as women, though I suspect men want sex more within a relationship than women. I’m still undecided on that last point, though, for reasons that will become clear shortly.

Well, suppose that there was a way in which you could make things more equal? A way in which you could actually gain the upper hand in the dating game?

A way in which you could learn how to seduce women so that they will become deeply attracted to you and want to have sex with you – just hours after they have met you?

The good news, as you may have guessed by now, is that there is such a way. Successful seduction comes from understanding the deeper ways in which we humans – and women in particular – are biologically programmed to interact.

If you know these deeper patterns of interaction, you can use them to improve your chances of getting sex out of all recognition. And the even better news is that these patterns are easy to learn, and they work, over and over again, on all women.

The pick up artist community revisited

If you want to read a full account of one man’s experience from start to finish as he learned these techniques, turning himself en route from a not-very-good-looking bespectacled uber-nerd into a refined, stylish, sexually desirable Casanova with multiple long term relationships running at the same time, then you need to get hold of Neil Strauss’s book The Game: Undercover In The Secret Society Of Pickup Artists.

It’s a truly amazing book, partly because of the story of the two years Strauss spent picking up and bedding women every night, running several long term relationships at once, and having dozens of women from whom to choose to go to bed with.

They all knew all about the other women in his life – and partly because of the explanation of how he did it.

For those of you who don’t already know, there has been a large “Speed Seduction Movement” in existence for years. This is a number of groups of men who have devoted themselves to discovering and sharing the tools and techniques that get results with women.

These tools include pick-up lines that appeal to a woman’s deeper nature, tricks and games that enthuse her and make her admire your social skills, and routines that overcome her resistance to sex.

These are some amazingly simple ways of interacting that get her to fall in love with you in a few minutes – or at least to feel as though she has, and – most important of all, perhaps, for the man who isn’t getting enough sex – words, gestures, and ways of touching and talking that get a woman highly aroused.

Strauss immersed himself in this speed seduction community for two years, meeting all the gurus and hundreds of students, learning all there was to learn, until he became recognized as the world’s most successful pick-up artist.

Another Approach To Relationship

However, there is another approach different from this manipulative approach to dating. It is possible to learn more about human psychology in an honest and truthful way rather than learning how to manipulate vulnerable women. In the end, mutual attraction comes down to having compatible and complementary energies. These very human human energies are held in what we term archetypal parts of the personality. If your archetypal energies are complementary to another person’s, you will get on. If they are not, you won’t. In the end it really is as simple as that. You can read much more about this concept, and learn how to apply it to your own relationship, here for UK readers, and here if you wish to get the USA version.

But back to Neil Strauss. As Strauss makes clear in his book, with stories of hopeless losers who learned how to put themselves about and get the women they wanted, any man can do this, provided he’s motivated to do it. And since we want sex so much….who wouldn’t be? Well, first and foremost those men who already have the social and sexual skills to be successful with women. Second, those who are in long-term relationships which they are happy with.

On the other hand, these techniques are so easy to learn that seduction experts offer seminars, workshops and Ebooks explaining the techniques.

And they claim any man can transform himself to be successful with women.  Now, I hear women shouting “manipulation” at this point. But just think about this for a moment. We’re all free agents, and we have a choice of what we do in any given situation. Women can choose who they get together with in normal dating and they have a choice of whether or not they respond to speed seduction techniques.

They’re not robots who can be manipulated to ignore their own wishes and desires. Rather, speed seduction techniques put men and women in a position of equality, so that men know what to do to activate a woman’s sexual circuits. And a woman responds to this from a place in herself far deeper than her social programming.

This is all that happens in normal dating anyway. Most women seem to make up their mind up about whether or not they are willing to have sex with a guy within a few minutes after meeting him.

After that it’s up to a man to make that his reality by impressing her sufficiently with his manly archetypes. After he’s done this, she can release her sexual energy, which some experts claim is just as intense – or more so – that a man’s. It just needs the right cues to turn it on, whereas a man’s is present more or less all the time.

The point is that speed seduction can make a sexual success of a guy who lacks confidence and knowledge of how to approach women. That much is certainly true – and you only have to read Strauss’s book to see that.

In the course of his book, Strauss describes how he set up a house which was designed to be an environment for men who wanted to make the most of themselves in every way – sexually, socially, personally.

Unfortunately, due to what seems to be the poor selection of some of the housemates, the project became stricken with rivalries, petty jealousies and a loss of the vision of the original objectives.

For one of the other things that becomes clear when you read the book is that sexual skills alone are not enough to make a man into a real man. We need all the other qualities described elsewhere on this website – maturity, compassion, depth, integrity and strength, to name but a few – to turn a short sexual relationship into a successful long-term relationship. These are the qualities of a King archetype, in control of the Warrior within.

And many of the Johnny-come-lately upstarts in the speed seduction community are shallow individuals who have no understanding of this fact, though it’s highly amusing to read about their antics in the book.

However, having said that, this is all useful stuff if you’re a man who has little or no experience with women, or a man who wants to improve his chances with women. Normally, sexual experience and maturity should develop around a man’s late teens or early twenties. If you missed out on this, speed seduction techniques could be very useful to you.

More About Tantra

If you decide to take the Tantric route to sexual healing, you need to be careful about the therapist you choose to make sure that they are fully qualified and ethically boundaried.

The well known Tantra themed massages are designed to provide sexual stimulation.

But Tantric healing is a holistic therapy that can be used to overcome male sexual dysfunctions such as erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, sexual naivete, sexual addiction, and so on.

Now you may think it strange, because we all have an image of Tantric sex involving prolonged sexual stimulation without orgasm.

But that is only one phase of Tantra. It’s certainly true that in Tantric sexual healing experience, there may be intimate connection between the therapist and the mail client in what the Tantric therapists would call “Lingam massage” (penile massage).

But it’s important to emphasize that this is simply about achieving better control of sexual energy, it’s not about sexual stimulation.

Indeed, orgasm is not actually the goal of this type of Tantric therapy. The aim is to massage the lingam to facilitate sexual healing, and to promote the movement of sexual energy through the body.

The first thing that is required therefore of a man who’s looking to sexual healing from this kind of therapy is to separate the idea of stimulation of the lingam for sexual healing from stimulation for sexual arousal for the sake of ejaculation and orgasm.

You have to shift your thinking to a place where you see sexual energy as something that is fluid and can move through the body.

This is a difficult concept to understand until you’ve actually experienced it. And where do you experience it? In a Tantric healing session. So this does require an element of trust!

Sure, this work requires an element of trust on the part of the therapist, but it also requires an element of trust on the part of the client!

That is to say, trust that Tantric healing can work for him. And trust that lingam massage does not represent something inherently sexual, but something directed to a greater goal. The goal of his sexual expression in its fullness and the healing of previously experienced sexual wounds.

Video Tantric Energy Flow

So a competent Tantric therapist who is really engaged in genuine sexual healing will use various techniques to free up repressed and blocked sexual energy and reroute it around the body so that it can flow freely.

As it does so, the client may experience a very clear sense of energy flow through the body and may even experience a a whole-body orgasm.

Tantric therapists claim that such experiences are only possible when the Chakras are free flowing and relaxed.

One of the aspects of Tantric therapy that a therapist would focus on is freeing emotion stuck in the body.

We all guard ourselves against painful feelings and experiences by what pioneering body therapist Alexander Lowen called “armoring”.

This is basically an area of muscular tension which allows the body to block the flow of emotional energy.

You might recognize this armoring as a heavy feeling.

Acupressure, which consists of applying pressure to certain points on the body can go a long way to releasing the stuck energy in the body. In Tantra, the expected result of breaking down these areas of armoring and allowing the free flow of energy in the body is good health and free expression of psychic energy.

Of course whether or not the client is able to open up to the healing energy of Tantra depends on whether or not they feel safe and trusting of the therapist.

Safety is something a competent therapist can quickly engage with in the client. Then, beyond that, the client has the responsibility to learn how to open up to his sexuality.

And indeed more: to open to his intimacy, to open his heart, to communicate what he wants and what is not wanted. And also: more subtle things such as learning to develop an awareness of your intuition and inner physical, emotional and spiritual processes.

And, at the highest level of Tantric, you may learn that it’s possible to connect with the universe and you may discover how to do just that. Then you know what it is like to connect with pure consciousness, the most elevated energy in our universe.

Many of the techniques that a Tantric therapist will use to engage a client in these process are not things we are familiar with in everyday life.

For example Tantric massage in itself is a new experience. But even simple things like deep breathing, talking and reflective listening which help to develop trust, are not things that we are accustomed to experience in everyday life.

And if the therapy is combined with body movement or chanting, it may stretch credibility further.

Yet these are not new techniques: they are ancient techniques, ways in which a man’s body (or a woman’s) is capable of opening up to pleasure.

It is in effect a form of reprogramming of the operating system of the body, particularly the sexual operating system.

The end result should be that you become the fully sensual and loving person that you were always meant to be.

Advanced therapists can combine ancient Tantric techniques with sacred sexuality, bodywork, modern sexuality and other techniques to produce not only orgasmic energy flowing through the body, but sexual healing, increased energy and, yes, greater stamina in bed.

Yes, that’s the final aspect of Tantric: when used correctly by a therapist who knows precisely what he or she is doing, Tantric healing can give you much greater control over ejaculation during sex if you wish to come during intercourse.

Better Loving: Which Archetype Will You Use Today?

Tantric Sex

The ancient Tantric texts made the point that both men and women could exchange energy during sex – and that this energy would nurture both partners. You may think this is a strange idea – after all, isn’t sex just about physical pleasure? No, it’s also about spiritual connection, and about the ability to exchange energy in more than one way (i.e. not just through the union of penis in vagina and the energy of ejaculation).

Can we prove the reality of this sexual experience? The answer is yes – you can manipulate your chi or Kundalini energy so that it flows into and through your own body and that of your partner during sex. And here’s how….

The tongue is a vital part of the mechanism or keeping energy flowing through the body. Some of the earlier exercises describe this. If you place your tongue against the roof of your mouth, it will complete the circuit so that energy flows through you in a loop: for men, around the body, up the back and down the front of the body. For women, up the belly and down the back.

At the union point of penis in vagina the energy will flow through you into the other’s body. If the man visualizes the energy flow out of his penis and into his partner’s vagina – for example, imagine a glowing bolt of blue energy leaving the head of your penis and flowing into your partner’s vagina – you can experience the exchange of energy directly. But there are other ways of exchanging energy, which involve the tongue.

You can really experience energy exchange when kissing. To be a good kisser is not only a romantic act, but an aid to the psychic process whereby you exchange energy – and you can consciously feel this process.

You’ll want to devote a lot of time to the art of conscious kissing by which we mean putting your whole attention onto the act of kissing, rather as though you were making love but doing it with full awareness and attention. You can nibble, suck, lick, explore each other’s mouths and even lick your lover’s face.

You can suck your lover’s tongue, and as you do so you can imagine energy flow between you both at the level of your mouths. It’s also recommended that you try sucking each other’s fingers – which you will want to make sure are well-washed beforehand – so that you extend your sexual experience in many different ways.

Take this in turns – have your partner suck your thumb then try sucking your partner’s: see how erotic you find it as he or she explores the different areas of your hand between your fingers with their tongue or mouth.

Once you’ve developed a sense of how exciting or arousing you find the exploration of your body and your partner’s body with your mouth and tongue, you can move on to the next stage of the experience – which is to explore your partner’s skin with your tongue.

You can explore the whole of your partner’s body – it’s an intimate experience, and you can get to know the body of your lover very much better, in addition to finding out more about what turns them on.

You can locate the erogenous zones that make sex much more pleasurable for them – these may include elbows, toes, armpits, bottom of the feet, thighs, back, and many other places which at the moment you don’t even know about.

Archetypes and sex

Now all of these seemingly very odd experiences during sex have their rots n some ancient practices. Tantra is very old; the concept of the archetype is even older. Archetypal energies woudl have been recognised by many cultures before ours; we have, perhaps, refined the explanation of archetypes into a modern day language. Here’s a summary (off site link). And here’s a book which can help you understand these energies. It’s a a classic written in the 1990s. This is the modern day version..

Of course, we don’t need an archetypal explanation for everything that happens during sex. Sometimes Tantra alone will enhance our enjoyment and understanding. Accordint to Tnatra, some of the areas which your partner may find it exciting to have licked during sex will already be known to you – nipples, navel, ears, forehead, genitals and so on. And you can achieve more interesting results if you do all this with your full attention on what you are doing, not distractedly.

You can even imagine sexual energy – Lover energy if you prefer –  flowing up from your pelvic region and out through your tongue into your lover’s body. More specifically, if you are a man, imagine it flowing from your anus and your testes, up through your penis and out through your tongue.

If you are a woman, imagine this sexual energy flowing up from your vagina and up through your breast to your tongue, then leaving your tongue and entering your partner’s body.

Make sure you visualize energy flow from your tongue in whatever way seems appropriate – a lightning bolt of energy, or as tiny sparks. You may well find that your partner really does respond as if they have received a jolt of energy.

The ultimate skill here is to bring your lover to orgasm using only your lips and tongue, all the while imagining the energy flowing out from your tongue and lips into their genitals and anywhere else you touch them on the body with your mouth.

You can start the process by kissing passionately but with feeling, using full awareness of your energy flow and visualizing the energy moving between you and your partner in whatever way seems most appropriate. The Lover and King connect in a dramatic and beautiful energy flow as you do this.

When you bring your partner to orgasm, close your eyes and see if you have any awareness of the energy flowing between you. For example, you may particularly feel or perceive the energy moving up your spine or around your chakras – especially your brow chakra.

This is a reflection of Kundalini energy moving up your spine from your genitals. You may also like to pay attention to the tip of your tongue when you bring your partner to orgasm. You may be able to feel an upswelling of energy there. Studying archetypal energy and applying your knowledge can be a great way to boost your sexual pleasure and capacity to relax.

Should you wish to learn more about the archetypes, and how they relate to energy flow, try this website.


Men Sex and Relationships

Men, Sex and Relationships

Of course sex is fun – and also exciting. But sometimes, as we all know, things go wrong – and when they do, men can feel vulnerable, weak, and helpless – as well as losing their sense of masculinity.

We also know the most common problems are premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction, although delayed ejaculation  is not far behind.

Now it’s been said many times that some of these dysfunctions, or, to use a more gentle term, “problems”, are psychosomatic. In other words, at least some of the causes, some of the time, lie in the mind rather than in the body.

Think about premature ejaculation, for instance. As you know, ejaculation is all about the release of semen from the penis at the moment of climax or orgasm.

But so often this release seems to be out of the control of the man who is making love to his partner. He can’t control the timing of his ejaculation, and he ejaculates before he or his partner, or both, are ready for this to happen.

For a man, this lack of control can be devastating because it impacts a man’s self-esteem in a major way.

Expectations & Reality

Video – sexual problems in men

We men are all brought up to believe that men should have a certain ability when it comes to sex: perhaps to satisfy a woman, perhaps to pleasure her, or to give her some form of sexual fulfilment (which generally means giving her an orgasm during intercourse).

Regardless of whether or not it’s easy or possible for a man to make love for long enough for a woman to reach orgasm during intercourse, premature ejaculation strikes at the heart of the belief that a man should be able to do this.

So this is the most common sexual problem, for men of all ages. It can happen from the time a man has sex and continue for the rest of his life, or it can be acquired later in life.

Interestingly enough, because men seem to slow down terms of their sexual response as they get older, it’s certainly true that premature ejaculation is more of a young man’s problem than an older man’s problem – but the truth is that it’s a distressing problem for any man who experiences it.

Types of Premature Ejaculation

Broadly speaking, we can define the causes of premature ejaculation on whether or not the premature ejaculation’s been identified as lifelong or acquired.

In theory, lifelong PE is caused by some kind of chemical imbalance in the brain.

This chemical imbalance seems to lower the threshold necessary for ejaculation – which is why SSRIs, a form of drug used as an  antidepressant, which affect this chemical balance in the brain, have gained some degree of popularity as a quick and easy treatment. Unfortunately the side effects can be significant and uncomfortable.

Acquired premature ejaculation – which is the opposite of lifelong premature ejaculation –  is often caused by anxiety around sex. The social and cultural pressures which I mentioned above, are placed on men in any kind of relationship, and often lead to anxiety.

Anxiety can speed up ejaculation. Sadly, one of the major consequences of rapid ejaculation is that it can affect a woman in a sexual relationship with a man – as you may know if you are such a woman. You may not feel as much happiness with your man as you expect or deserve to have in your life.

You may even believe that his rapid ejaculation is something to do with you! But even if you don’t think that, there’s no doubt that it’s a serious problem between you, even if it’s much less important to you than it is to your man!

Erectile Dysfunction

Of course, as you know very well, erectile dysfunction refers to a situation where a man can’t get an erection. This is not a disease in itself, although the name “erectile dysfunction” seems to imply something disease-like!

Often when a man can’t become erect a in sexual situation, the lack of erection is a symptom of some other problem – psychological, physical, or a mixture of both.

Extraordinarily, at least one man in five beyond the age of 40 has some degree of erectile difficulty. And a massive 10% of men at any one time are completely unable to become erect – an extraordinary number, and considering how little the condition is talked about, one which hides an enormous amount of distress in society.

Yet in some ways this is no surprise. The mechanism of erection in the penis is very finely balanced, depending on delicate chemical reactions in the spongy erectile tissue.

These chemical reactions cause the blood vessels of the penis to relax so that more blood flows in. As it does so, the veins leaving the penis are compressed against an inelastic membrane surrounding the erectile tissue, thereby reducing the amount of blood leaving the penis and enhancing the erection. This is such a delicate mechanism that it’s almost surprising so many men get an erection so reliably! To deal with erection problems, this book can be very useful.

Some say age is a factor here. Well, yes, and it’s important to understand that even though aging definitely has an effect on a man’s capacity to become erect, erectile dysfunction is not just about getting old.

Of course it’s harder for a man to become aroused as he ages, and physical stimulation as well as fantasy or emotional stimulation may be needed before a man of advancing years can reach full erection, but then again, erectile dysfunction is often caused by anxiety and can therefore affect men of any age.

Delayed Ejaculation

As for delayed ejaculation, well, this condition affects about one man in 10 and is becoming more well-known and more widely discussed. And thank heavens for that, because of all the conditions that can affect male sexuality, this is the one that has been most hidden in previous years.

Now that there is a degree of openness about it, it’s becoming clear that there are many reasons why men may be unable to ejaculate, but most of them center on some kind of psychological or emotional issue with the man’s partner or indeed with women in general.

While delayed ejaculation sounds like a disaster for a man’s sex life, it’s not necessarily a problem that’s difficult to solve. In fact, you can find an online treatment program right here: treatment of male sexual problems. as we shall show you on this website, it is possible to tackle the problem at home, using treatment programs which you can buy on the Internet.

This is just as well really, considering that the impact of not being able to ejaculate! It’s far more devastating than premature ejaculation, perhaps on a par with erectile dysfunction.

One thing that is very different indeed about delayed ejaculation is that it can have a profound impact on the quality of communication and intimacy between the man and his partner.

Naturally we discuss all these issues on this website, and we offer solutions which can help with any or all of these male sexual dysfunctions.

I think for me, the main issue is that there is no need for a man to suffer in silence.

Of course many men don’t want to go and see a doctor or a therapist about these issues, but then again they don’t need to! It’s entirely possible to treat these problems at home in privacy, to enjoy sex normally, and to re-establish an intimate and fulfilling relationship with your partner. To deal with delayed ejaculation, this book may be helpful.

How To Develop Your Sexual Skills

Developing sexual skills

This is a personal journey that involves understanding your own body, communication, and building a strong emotional connection with your partner. Here are some steps and tips to help you develop your sexual skills:

  1. Education and Self-Awareness:
    • Educate yourself about human anatomy, sexual health, and different techniques.
    • Explore your own body through self-discovery. This can help you understand your own pleasure and preferences.
  2. Communication:
    • Open and honest communication with your partner is crucial. Discuss your desires, boundaries, and fantasies.
    • Encourage your partner to communicate their needs and preferences as well.
  3. Active Listening:
    • Pay attention to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues during intimate moments.
    • Adapt your actions based on their responses and feedback.
  4. Foreplay:
    • Focus on extended periods of foreplay, as it can enhance arousal and pleasure for both partners.
    • Experiment with various forms of touch, kissing, and sensual activities.
  5. Variety and Exploration:
    • Be open to trying new things and exploring different sexual activities.
    • This can involve experimenting with different positions, role-playing, or introducing new props or toys if both partners are comfortable.
  6. Staying Present:
    • Focus on being present in the moment during sexual encounters, rather than rushing through them.
    • Mindfulness can help increase pleasure and emotional connection.
  7. Learning from Each Other:
    • Each person is unique, so take the time to learn about your partner’s body and preferences.
    • Ask for feedback and guidance, and be willing to provide the same.
  8. Emotional Connection:
    • Building emotional intimacy and connection can greatly enhance the overall experience.
    • Strengthen your relationship outside the bedroom through meaningful conversations, shared activities, and emotional support.
  9. Practice and Patience:
    • Developing sexual skills takes time and practice. Be patient with yourself and your partner.
    • Focus on enjoying the journey rather than striving for perfection.
  10. Respect and Consent:
    • Always prioritize your partner’s comfort, boundaries, and consent.
    • Consent should be enthusiastic, ongoing, and mutual.
  11. Seeking Professional Help:
    • If you’re facing challenges that impact your sexual experiences, consider seeking guidance from a therapist or sex educator who specializes in sexual health.

Remember, every individual and relationship is unique. What works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to create an environment of trust, respect, and mutual understanding where both partners can explore and grow together.

The Benefits of Developing Better Sexual Skills

There are several reasons why a man might wish to develop his sexual skills:

  1. Personal Satisfaction: Developing sexual skills can lead to increased personal satisfaction and pleasure during sexual experiences. Learning how to please both oneself and one’s partner can contribute to a more fulfilling sex life.
  2. Partner Satisfaction: A desire to provide pleasure and satisfaction to one’s partner is a common motivation. Being skilled in bed can enhance the overall sexual experience for both partners, leading to a healthier and more satisfying relationship.
  3. Communication and Connection: Improving sexual skills often involves better communication with one’s partner. This can lead to increased intimacy, emotional connection, and mutual understanding.
  4. Boosting Confidence: Acquiring sexual skills can boost a man’s confidence in his own abilities and performance. Feeling confident in bed can positively affect self-esteem and body image.
  5. Exploration and Variety: Learning new techniques and trying different activities can add excitement and novelty to a sexual relationship. This can help prevent monotony and keep the sexual aspect of a relationship fresh.
  6. Overcoming Challenges: Developing sexual skills can help address and overcome specific challenges, such as performance anxiety, premature ejaculation, or difficulty reaching orgasm.
  7. Enhancing Relationships: A healthy and satisfying sexual relationship is often a significant aspect of overall relationship satisfaction. Developing sexual skills can contribute to a stronger bond and greater overall relationship contentment.
  8. Personal Growth: Just like any other skill, improving sexual skills requires learning, practice, and growth. This journey of self-improvement can lead to personal growth and a deeper understanding of oneself.
  9. Education and Awareness: Investing in sexual education and skill development can increase awareness of sexual health, consent, and safe practices. This knowledge contributes to responsible and respectful sexual behavior.
  10. Stress Relief: Engaging in pleasurable sexual activities can have positive effects on reducing stress and promoting relaxation.

It’s important to note that the reasons for wanting to develop sexual skills can vary widely from person to person. Whatever the motivation, it’s crucial to approach this journey with respect for oneself and one’s partner, open communication, and a commitment to mutual pleasure and satisfaction.

Greater sexual skill can have several positive effects on a loving relationship:

  • Enhanced Intimacy: Developing sexual skills can lead to a deeper sense of intimacy and emotional connection between partners. When both partners are skilled at pleasing each other, it fosters a stronger bond and a heightened sense of closeness.
  • Increased Communication: Building sexual skills often requires open and honest communication about desires, boundaries, and preferences. This level of communication can spill over into other aspects of the relationship, promoting better overall communication and understanding.
  • Mutual Satisfaction: When both partners are skilled at satisfying each other’s needs and desires, it leads to a more balanced and satisfying sexual experience. This can contribute to overall relationship satisfaction.
  • Variety and Exploration: Learning new techniques and trying different activities can inject excitement and novelty into the sexual relationship. This prevents stagnation and keeps the romantic spark alive.
  • Boosted Self-Esteem: Developing sexual skills can boost individual and mutual self-esteem. Feeling attractive and competent in the bedroom can positively impact self-image, both as an individual and as a partner.
  • Stress Relief: Engaging in pleasurable sexual activities can serve as a natural stress reliever. A loving relationship with a satisfying sexual component can provide a safe space for both partners to unwind and relax.
  • Physical Health Benefits: Regular sexual activity can have positive effects on physical health, such as improved cardiovascular health and stress reduction.
  • Relationship Resilience: A strong sexual connection can contribute to the overall resilience of a relationship. During challenging times, a loving bond that includes satisfying sexual experiences can provide comfort and stability.
  • Conflict Resolution: A loving relationship with a fulfilling sexual aspect can help partners navigate conflicts more effectively. A strong foundation of intimacy and connection can facilitate productive discussions and resolutions.
  • Longevity and Happiness: Research indicates that a satisfying sexual relationship can contribute to overall life satisfaction and longevity. A loving relationship that nurtures sexual well-being can lead to a happier and more fulfilling life together.

It’s important to remember that while sexual skills can enhance a loving relationship, they are just one aspect of the partnership. Communication, trust, emotional support, shared values, and shared activities all play crucial roles in maintaining a healthy and fulfilling relationship. Balancing these elements contributes to a strong foundation that supports both emotional and physical intimacy.

Tantra Archetypes and the Ultimate Pleasure

If you consider how you feel about men and women, and then look at the list of qualities ascribed to the two sexes, you’ll see some things that seem instantly familiar.

For example, Yin energy is thought of as darker, deeper, more mysterious perhaps, and certainly more generative than Yang energy.

Yang is quicker to become aroused, quicker to fire up, less deep and more visible – with men, sexually at least, what you see is what you get. Women of course are slower to arouse, both sexually and emotionally, than men; they also take longer to cool down after they have become aroused. These differences can be attributed to the archetypal energies of the male warrior and the female lover.

But though women take longer to reach orgasm, they reach levels of sexual arousal which may exceed those of a man: and because men are quicker to arouse, quicker to reach orgasm, and much quicker to become less aroused after sex, there needs to be some accommodation, some understanding between the sexes on how these differences in arousal rate are to be accommodated.

Men, for example, need to ensure that they seduce their partners gently and slowly; they need to stroke, to caress, to fondle, to explore their partner’s body non-sexually before turning to her sexual areas; they should take account of a woman’s need for intimacy, for love, for a sense of being cherished and valuable; they should not expect her to be as quickly aroused as they are.

Women, on the other, need to accommodate a man’s desire for rapid arousal, quick relief and almost impersonal sex from time to time – one way they can do this is by enjoying a session of quick sex for the man’s pleasure.

There’s an exercise which can help you understand the essence of Yin and Yang. You can do this with your partner, one person at a time.

Yang Energy

If the man goes first, the woman will give him a Yang massage. In other words, he lies down, making sure that he is warm and comfortable, then she will start with his erect penis, holding it with one hand and with her other making a series of concentric circular movements on his belly, thighs and legs which gradually extend outwards from his penis as the centre of the circles.

She ends the massage with his face, and then brings him to orgasm using her hands, lips and mouth – after which he can do exactly as he wishes, including going to sleep.

Yin Energy

When the man reciprocates for his partner, she lies down and makes herself comfortable, before her partner gives her the equivalent Yin massage.

As you may imagine, this means he starts with her face (remember women are slower to arouse, so rapid attention to the genitals may not be the best way to light her sexual fire).

He keeps this hand in contact with her face at all times, while his other hand traces slow movements of massage over her body in gentle spirals, with her vulva as the focal centre of the movements. As she becomes more aroused he brings her to orgasm, and then fulfils her wishes to be caressed, to go to sleep, or whatever else she wants to happen.

Is the Energy Different?

It’s very interesting to compare sexual energy in men and women. If you can develop a true intimacy with your partner and speak from your heart (your lover energy) about what happened for you during the massage, you may well discover some profound things about each other’s sexual energy and how it grows as you touch and caress.

You may also discover the ways in which you need to adjust your sexual styles so that you are truly compatible in bed and each get full pleasure and satisfaction from being sexual with the other. The art of pleasuring a man is described here. And the art of pleasuring a woman here.

Energy Cycles

Another aspect of the Yin and the Yang is the flow of energy. We all know that a woman’s sexual energy rises and falls as she goes through her monthly sexual cycle; but what of the man’s cycle of sexual energy? That is a question which remains open to interpretation, but the Taoists believed than a man’s cycle was less than a day long…..perhaps this reflected their view of how to explain the fact that men had such a high level of sexual energy so consistently.


This is the name which the Taoists gave to the energy which was released when a man ejaculated. It’s not semen, nor is it sperm: it’s the vital energy which goes along with his ejaculation. Since orgasm and ejaculation are two separate things, the release of a man’s Chi does not necessarily have to happen when a couple engage in sexual intercourse. Read about the art of pleasuring a man here.

In fact a man may get great pleasure from multiple orgasms without ejaculation, in which case his Chi is preserved and his energy remains high – this will contribute to his good health. It’s different for a woman, who, according to the Taoist philosophy, gains energy every time she reaches orgasm.

What Did You Repress Into Your Shadow?

What Did You Repress Into Your Shadow?

A child can repress many aspects of his or her personality in one or more of the four archetypal quarters: in the Warrior quarter, that might include anger, fierceness, determination, boundary setting, and so on.

Someone who put this kind of energy into shadow as a child might look like a victim, someone who can be pushed around, a walkover, in adult life.

However, the energy of those qualities doesn’t go away, even after years in shadow. In fact, with the right stimulation, in the right circumstances, the energy of these repressed Warrior qualities can explode as violence and rage. Equally, it can be unconsciously turned against the self, producing feelings of depression, passivity and hopelessness.

In the Lover quarter, a boy might put his compassion, love, sensitivity, desire for connection, and tenderness into the shadow bag. Again the energy doesn’t go away; later in life it may express itself as an addiction, or as narcissism, neediness, an endless sequence of failed relationships, a lack of true connection, or stoicism.

In the quarter of the Magician, qualities such as reasoning ability, intelligence, comprehension, understanding, and intellect may go into shadow. Maybe a child finds it’s wiser, or safer, to hide his cleverness, and so he decides to  appear dull, even stupid, in his childhood world. Later in life, the energy of those qualities may come back out of shadow as some kind of limiting fear, sometimes as a cynical attitude of superiority and knowingness, sometimes as a blank, overarching sense of confusion in which there are no answers and nothing is clear, and sometimes as endless cyclical thinking which never reaches any useful conclusion.

More than anything else you, like almost everyone else, will have put most, maybe all, of your magnificence, potency, and power, the energy of your Sovereign, into shadow. These are your own natural clouds of glory, the ones which came with you on the day you arrived on the planet. This energy, locked in your shadow bag for much of your life, can become twisted into grandiosity, emerging as an inflated opinion of yourself, a sense of superiority and an air of arrogance, or a sense of inferiority.

Robert Bly also pointed out that there are collective shadow bags available for those who care to pick them up and help to fill them: a bag for each town, community, family, religion, social group – they all have their own shadow bags. As Bly said, it’s almost as if certain groups of people make an unconscious, collective, psychic decision to put certain types of energy into their own shadow bag.

Bly wrote “A Little Book On The Human Shadow” back in 1988. In this book he pointed out that if an American citizen was curious to know what might be in the national shadow bag at that time, he could find out by listening to what a State Department official said when he criticised Russia. How little has changed over time! The shadow energies indeed go full circle, finding the same targets from one generation to the next.

A final point about your own shadow bag: you can only see its contents by careful observation. Some great questions to help discover what’s in the bag include: what, or who, triggers a strong emotional reaction in you – especially when you feel compelled to justify your reaction? Do you react to certain events in your life with a level of force and energy which is way out of line with the stimulus? In what circumstances do you find you simply can’t stop yourself reacting in a certain way, even when you don’t want to?

If you don’t understand why you react a certain way, here are some practical clues to identifying your own shadows.

  • To start with, at some point you made a decision not to be a certain way, not to behave in a particular way.
  • Then, later in life, you find yourself acting that way “by accident”.
  • Third, the behaviour seems as if it’s controlling you, rather than the other way round.
  • And often, it feels as if it isn’t even a part of you, as if it comes from somewhere else. It seems unwanted, unknown, but curiously compelling. Of course it does – this is energy which came from you and was somehow disowned by you. Now it wants – and needs – to be owned by you once again so it can take its original form and purpose.


A Way To Explore Your Shadow

Projection is a strange thing. It’s one of the ways we defend ourselves against awareness of our unconscious impulses or qualities (which means both positive and negative qualities we’ve put into shadow). Simply put, projection means we deny the existence of these qualities in ourselves while attributing them to others.

For example, a man who has put his anger into shadow – in other words, who is unconsciously angry – may constantly accuse other people of being angry. It’s easier for him to see anger as living in others than it is to admit it lives in him.

His emotional healing is all about coming to terms with the reality that anger lives inside him, albeit in shadow, and reintegrating its energy into his personality in a conscious, healthy way. This is the essence of personal growth and development; a necessary step to regain control over the way you express your emotions.

The more deeply repressed a shadow energy is within your unconscious, the harder it will be for you to identify and own your projections. So those accusations of racism, sexism, immaturity, infidelity, untrustworthiness, disloyalty and lack of love which you fling at your spouse, your colleagues, your neighbours, your kids – well, just be careful, because those qualities might well be living inside you.

And those awful behaviours and emotions you see so often in others – well, what are you missing in yourself as you point out their failings?

Get the idea? We all do this; and we do it all the time. And we never know we’re doing it until we start to examine our shadows.

Sigmund Freud was probably first off the bat, historically, to explain this whole deal. He had it right when he said that the thoughts, motivations, desires, and feelings that we cannot accept as our own, as belonging to us, can be mentally placed in the world outside of us, and attributed to someone else. (There is more about these psychological mechanisms on this blog.)

This is a great way of avoiding ownership of your thoughts, feelings and actions, because ownership would of course would require you to take responsibility for the consequences of your actions and start to work on yourself. Easier not to bother doing this, you may think, though the world around you will pay a price for your indifference, as the energy of your shadow bag leaks out anyway and splatters messily over your friends and family.

And let’s face it, you pay a price too: all those moments of hurt, of shame, of difficulty with your loved ones, of failed expectations, of fear limiting you, of low self-esteem, and the mysterious re-appearance of exactly what you don’t want in your life, over and over.

But here’s an interesting thing. Projection isn’t arbitrary. It seizes on something you see in another person, and the seed of truth in what you see becomes the basis on which you can generously “give them” all of your unwanted material. Read more about the shadow and associated issues here.