Thoughts About Delayed Ejaculation

Personality And Emotional Characteristics of men with delayed ejaculation

Sometimes men with delayed ejaculation seem to have a lack of self-awareness, and a tendency to externalize their feelings. And sometimes their connection with their own sexuality is weak, and looking at their feelings is challenging. And sometimes there are obvious connections between a man’s historical life experience and the sexual problems he faces as an adult.

Some men prefer to believe there must be a physical cause for delayed ejaculation. They may find this idea is easier to cope with than the notion that delayed or inhibited ejaculation may be caused by emotional or psychological factors.

Then again, some men with delayed ejaculation have been brought up in an environment which cut them off from their feelings and acted to harden them psychologically and emotionally, a process which has been described as one of “toughening up” and battling against physical or mental weakness.

They have often not had complete or adequate opportunity at puberty to develop strong male characteristics.

And some men who are looking for a cure for delayed ejaculation have limited experience of sex or have found sex to be disappointing.

Erotic Flow & Delayed Ejaculation

On a more general level, sexual excitement or sexual activity makes us all see the world in a very different way from the way we see it normally.

Most men and women have a sexual life which is clearly defined and separate from everyday life.

Most of us can slip between the two with a greater or lesser degree of ease – erotic thoughts can intrude on everyday tasks, for example, or we can be distracted during sex by thoughts of everyday activities. But we move between the two without much difficulty.

However, for some men with delayed ejaculation, moving into the erotic world can be challenging – the erotic world may be seen or somehow felt as dangerous.

Lack Of Sexual Arousal

Indeed, it seems that many men with delayed ejaculation wish to avoid entering their erotic world. In many cases they may not even be able to enter an erotic world, having no concept of such a thing in their minds….. if they wish to be erotic, they create an environment which seems erotic, but does not come from their internal sexual process. There is, in essence, no arousal.

Men who can’t ejaculate during sex may also have negative associations of male sexuality with violence and abuse.

This also dampens down their sexual response. The power and vitality of their sexual life is weakened and their internal erotic world is unable to provide them with the arousal needed for successful sex.

Because aggression is a fundamental part of human sexuality, men who are turned off by aggression or violence will split their aggressive impulses from their sexual ones, and that further weakens their sexual desire and arousal.

However, an autoerotic occupation with fantasy and porn may be arousing enough to produce an orgasm during masturbation.

The consequence of all this is that men with delayed ejaculation may not be able to function sexually with ease. They may not, for example, be able to ask for what they want sexually; they may not even know what they want sexually.

They may not be accustomed to becoming aroused through the touch of a loved one, or they may not know how to get aroused by erotic stimulation.

Because sex becomes mechanical and lacks real connection, they may develop behaviors which are hidden ways of avoiding sex, including erectile dysfunction.

There are many theories about the origin of DE. But what makes it harder to assess which might be correct is that human sexuality is so variable. However, there are some common factors which are often seen in men with this dysfunction. Here’s a summary of them.

1 Men with DE often seem to have a disrupted relationship with their own sexuality

You could describe this as a kind of remoteness from self. It’s almost like the man’s ability to perceive his inner world of thoughts and feelings is somehow disrupted or blocked. This results in him externalizing feelings, especially fear or shame.

Sometimes this is caused by enormous emotional stress and some very painful life events which had a direct impact on the man at a time when his sexuality was emerging and his sexual identity forming.

They may deny this, or be unaware of it –  but often some of the most traumatic events a man has experienced centered around his introduction to the world of adult sexuality.

And often he had an upbringing where battling against the environment and fighting to be strong was emphasized: in other words, he was taught as a boy that he needed to be tough, to be resilient, and to battle against all kinds of weakness.

2 The importance of normal male sexual development

Our society does not help young men achieve healthy sexual adulthood, in particular because there is usually no transitional space where a boy can experience puberty.

In historical societies, puberty and the rituals and ceremony associated with it often functioned as a place where young men could learn more about the transition to adulthood and the adoption of adult male responsibilities. Here’s a couple of questions which sum all this up: do you know how to respond to, control, dominate and accept female sexuality? Do you feel safe as you become physically intimate with women?

3 Loss of an inner erotic world

A loss of the inner erotic world is another key factor in many men with delayed ejaculation.

One example of this is how we are all likely to do things when we are sexually aroused that we would not consider doing during everyday life.So sexual arousal changes the nature of our consciousness and affects our perception, and it is clearly important for a healthy individual to have an understanding of how these two worlds are different.

That’s not to say they’re always clearly differentiated from each other – you may well have noticed how, when you’re bored, you can suddenly slip into an erotic fantasy. But a man with delayed ejaculation may find that stepping from the everyday world into the erotic world of fantasy or sexual reality is somehow dangerous or risky.

This is some kind of deep-rooted psychological issue with sex. Because of this, the man’s subjective erotic world may be either limited or inaccessible during sexual relationships with his partner.

And at the same time, it’s possible that a man may still feel safe enough to engage in “auto sexuality”, either as sexual fantasy on his own, masturbation with pornography or Internet sex.

4 And some men with delayed ejaculation will have difficulty expressing sexual needs…

…in other words, defining or expressing requests for the thing that would actually arouse them most.

The outcome of this is that sex becomes some kind of mechanical process in which a couple has lost all sense of giving and receiving, and perhaps also all sensitive sensory orientated touching for pleasure. A man may then develop erectile dysfunction or even begin to avoid sex altogether.

In some ways it’s almost like inhibiting your own breathing. Normally, breathing is a reflex response, but we have the choice to stop breathing or to change the rate at which we breathe.

Some experts think delayed ejaculation is rather like this. Some kind of “conscious inhibition” is switched on just when the body should be relying on automatic reflexes to move rapidly towards orgasm and ejaculation.

5 Deep, unconscious feelings about sex play a part

If this is so, just why is a man with delayed ejaculation “holding back”? One obvious explanation is that the idea of coming inside his partner is, at some level, anxiety provoking or threatening. Perhaps there’s a fear of an unwanted pregnancy, or some deeply buried memory of past traumatic sexual experiences, or the fear of shame, guilt or other negative consequences about sex.

Or a man may have anxiety about getting (or not getting) his own sexual needs met; or perhaps he holds traumatic memories of “getting caught” while being sexual in boyhood; or he has had some other trauma that has inhibited his ability to express himself sexually.

Sex is not shameful, though, even if you were told it was! (Here’s a piece on childhood abuse.)

To repeat, subconscious issues associated with delayed ejaculation might include the following emotional intelligence and explanations

  • fear of loss of control
  • anxiety associated with the altered state of consciousness that is associated with sex, orgasm and ejaculation
  • fear of embarrassment
  • sexual shame due to an inhibited sexual upbringing
  • some kind of conflict about a man’s own sense of masculinity or around the belief that a real man doesn’t show weakness, or vulnerability, even during the act of coitus
  • a man may simply not be aroused enough because his sexual urges are focused on some kind of particular paraphilia or stimulus
  • it might be something as simple as the fact that he feels hostility and anger towards his partner or even towards women in general.

In all cases, these feelings can be traced to unresolved conflicts and psychosexual development which hasn’t progressed normally.

Now, as you can see, most of these explanations for the causation and etiology of delayed ejaculation are fairly speculative, and they are certainly not easy to prove one way or another.

6 Many men with delayed ejaculation display a high level of performance anxiety.

They may feel very pressured to perform to a high standard, and have a real belief that it is their duty to satisfy their partner during sex.

7 Idiosyncratic masturbation

Sometimes a man learned, as an adolescent, to masturbate with a technique that required high frequency and perhaps high-pressure movements. He may have conditioned his sexual responses so that only one particular type of touch, often a very vigorous one, delivered in a particular way, is sufficient to bring him to orgasm and make him reach the point of ejaculatory inevitability.