Women, Men, Sex and Retarded Ejaculation!

So – all you women out there who have to deal with a man delayed ejaculation will know what a pain in the ass that can be.

delayed ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation means sex may go on for hours!

Of course he’s not doing it deliberately! And it’s not like the guy’s actually f*cking you for two hours without coming because he’s got a good reason to do so.

In fact he’s probably as frustrated about it is you are!

I strongly suspect his cock just as red and sore as your pussy. However, that’s not really the point, is it? I mean the question is “what the hell is going on here?” And as to the answer … well, everyone you speak to will make a different suggestion about that.

Causes Of Delayed Ejaculation

Talk to the medical profession and this is what they will tell you: retarded ejaculation is due to some drugs the guy’s taking, or maybe he’s got an insensitive penis, or maybe he’s got a slow ejaculatory reflex.

I tell you something, the only one of those explanations I buy into is the one about the medication he’s taking. The other two are a complete load of trash.

There is absolutely no scientific evidence whatsoever to support those two theories of why a guy thrusts endlessly without ejaculating.

(There is plenty of evidence that medication can cause a problem with retarded ejaculation: if you’ve ever been with a man on antidepressants, you might see what a wonderful lover he is … unless of course his ejaculatory reflex is so suppressed that he can’t come at all … in which case he’s not such a good lover, more of a pain in the butt. )

couple making love

She may be delighted – but she probably won’t – at her man’s capacity for long lasting lovemaking…

Now if you’ve got a man who’s experiencing delayed ejaculation, you won’t like the concept of lovemaking that goes on for a couple of hours.

Don’t laugh, because some women do like it. They’re the ones who say that they can reach orgasm several times during intercourse because their man is like a stallion and can thrust for hours at a time!

So what are you going to do about it?

The first thing is you can do is start talking to each other about this problem.

Most people who have delayed ejaculation — and I mean by that, both partners in a couple, since it’s a shared thing – don’t ever talk to each other about what is going on.

Perhaps that’s symptomatic of a deeper problem in the relationship, so ask yourself this — how well do you communicate with your partner? Have you talked openly and honestly about this problem?

And before you blame your man for difficulties with delayed ejaculation, I’d just like you to know that in general it takes 2 to tango and it takes 2 to have a conversation.

Oh, so you’re still telling me that he’s unwilling to talk about it but you’d be very happy to? In which case you might want to consider being a bit more direct and firm about what you have to say.

For example, if you want a child, then you’ve got to consider whether or not you are going to get one with this man or whether it might be necessary to cut your losses and start a new relationship somewhere else.

If you love the guy, and children aren’t an issue, and you want to stay with him, then you can make it sound like you are angry and put a boundary in place.

After all, he’s not listened to you so far, and let me guess, this has gone on for — oh, how many years? 5, 10, more?  

So you’ve got to do something about this, haven’t you?

Couples counseling

Now supposing he absolutely, adamantly, totally refuses to engage in a conversation about his retarded ejaculation, then you are going to have to play your hand and tell him exactly how you feel about the situation.

But bear in mind if you start doing that in a judgmental way, he’s going to react with a complete blank.

So what you have to do to establish communication on the subject by owning your feelings, and make clear demands of him. So the way that goes is: “(1) I am very unhappy because our sex life is not satisfying to me. (2) I feel sad about his because I think you do not care about me. (3) And what I want from you is …”

So you see now you’re going to have to do a little bit of planning.

Because if he’s going to get over his delayed ejaculation, and you’re going to get over your delayed ejaculation, you have to know exactly what it is you want from him.

I’m assuming that what you want from him is sex that lasts for a reasonable length of time — like 5 or 10 minutes — and ends with him ejaculating inside you?

And by the way, I want to make it clear that I think that’s perfectly reasonable … that’s how sex is meant to be.

When sex is like that, it reaffirms the man as a powerful male, and it reaffirms the woman as  a powerful woman. It makes him feel masculine, and it makes her feel feminine; it makes him feel powerful, it makes her feel beautiful and attractive and sexy.

That’s how it’s meant to be — not struggling for hours before giving up in frustration and then not talking about it.

Now I might sound like I’m being a bit facetious about this, and, the truth is, I suppose I am in many ways.

But believe me, I’ve worked with a lot of men with delayed ejaculation and I think sometimes the only thing you could possibly do to maintain your sanity in the face of what happens in some relationships is to laugh about it all.

Of course, while knowing that in actual fact it’s no laughing matter!

I’m thinking now of the sentence I wrote above: “I’m very unhappy because our sex life is not satisfying to me and what I want from you is … ” How about – “to come with me to couples counselling.”

Couple counseling.

Couple counseling may be the only answer to this problem.

Let’s face it, there’s only one way you can resolve this issue – by turning up the heat.

Now if the heat happens to be under a pressure cooker, there is a danger attached to what you’re doing.

But surely that has to be more satisfying than letting things drag on the way they are at the moment?

And take it from me, they probably will drag on, because my experience is that most men never start trying to deal with delayed ejaculation until a woman forces the issue.

This could go on for years…. and there’s no point feeling powerless and victimized.

The truth is, he’s probably feeling enough of that already himself, because the one thing that is almost certain is that he has absolutely no idea of what is happening and why.

No matter how aroused he  may be before sex starts, the problem becomes clear to him quite quickly during intercourse: he’s not going to reach the point of ejaculation & orgasm any time soon.

And since that’s happened to me once or twice in my life, I can tell you it’s a horrible feeling: it’s certainly very destructive of anyone’s sense of masculinity, and it won’t make him feel like a good lover, will it?

I wonder if you’ve actually considered how your man feels, or for that matter if he’s considered how you feel, in this situation?

My suspicion is probably not, because most of the couples that I meet with delayed ejaculation just simply don’t do this.

At last – some suggestions!

So I have some practical suggestions for you, and I hope you’ll take them up. The first one is the one I’ve already made – which is to go and see the couple’s counselor, persuading your husband, boyfriend or partner to go along with you.

If he’s going on his own, by the way, then you definitely need to go with him. There might, however, be some point in you going alone if he really will not go along, because a professional counselor can give you a different perspective on delayed ejaculation, your relationship, and what’s happening between the two of you.

The second suggestion I have is to ask him to see a doctor and have a full medical checkup, in particular around any issues with hormonal deficiencies and medication that he’s taking.

It’s possible, but unlikely, that one of the reasons he can’t ejaculate is because he doesn’t have enough testosterone in his system to allow him to get sexually aroused.

Third, I’d suggest that if he’s using porn, he stops, although how on earth you can persuade him to do that I’m not sure. W

What I would say to you is that if your mate is using porn then you have some really good reasons to demand that he stops. For one thing, I think porn is extremely demeaning of women.

Another is that it’s particularly demeaning of you — after all, you’re the woman he’s in a relationship with, not some bimbo on the Internet with her butt stuck up in the air and some horrible guy using her for his own pleasure.

Furthermore, porn is often part of the problem, as you might or might not know: many men who use porn have conditioned themselves only to respond to such a high level of erotic stimulation that they can’t reach orgasm during a normal relationship.

The same might be true, just possibly, if he’s been using heavy duty fantasy whilst he masturbates. The point being, as I’m sure you can understand, that the stimulus provided by porn and hard-core fantasy is a lot more arousing, a lot more intense at least, than a real relationship is. (Take it from me, he’s a man, so both of these things are very likely true.)

Which brings me to another interesting point: if he’s being more intimate with somebody on the Internet than he is with you (and I’m not talking about cybersex, I’m talking about some porn star – or hundreds of them), then I’m wondering what’s going on between you that there’s so little intimacy in your relationship.

Are you in a situation where things are not going well between you anyway, regardless of the delayed ejaculation?

If so, then you might want to consider couples counseling in any event, just to work out whether or not this something that might improve things within the relationship… or perhaps even bring it to an end, if that’s what is right for you both at this time in your lives.

No, it can’t be over!

If, however, there is love between you, that’s great! You have a firm basis from which to start, i.e. start working on a new relationship, I mean.

After all, you can start again, this time with a new relationship, one in which your man is willing to look at delayed ejaculation as an issue for you both, a relationship in which you are both willing to contemplate the possibility of doing things (including sex) differently.

Finally, I would like to ask you to consider whether or not there is a slight possibility, an-ever-so-slight possibility, that delayed ejaculation is actually helpful to you in some way.

Before you get outraged and call the idea ridiculous, just consider the possibility that delayed ejaculation is disguising some sexual problem of your own — anorgasmia, maybe, or low sex drive (i.e delayed ejaculation is serving as an excuse not to have intercourse).

Be honest with yourself here and ask yourself: “Could there possibly be any benefit whatsoever for you in having delayed ejaculation in the relationship with the man you’re sharing your life with?”

If you’re wondering about treatment for delayed ejaculation, then I’d like to reassure you, that it’s often successful, and often much easier than you think.

It does depend on good communication between the partners, and it does also depend on an absolute willingness and clear intention to solve the problem on the part of the man.

If there is NO such an intention then obviously it’s more difficult to bring about a cure, because motivation is half the problem – and half the solution.

Assuming that he is motivated, and you are motivated, ti cure delayed ejaculation then one of the first steps in solving the problem will be to take the pressure off him during intercourse — and when you ask what pressure that is, my response is this: the pressure that he’s feeling to initiate sex, lead sex, satisfy you, and generally be the workhorse of sex for you both, regardless of his own pleasure.

What? No, please, no surprises…. truth is, one thing that women often don’t know about delayed ejaculation is that the man concerned is doing is to try and satisfy everybody except himself.

I often find that they are “driven” people, with a poor sense of their own needs and little concept of their right to sexual pleasure.

That’s particularly true around intercourse, so a certain amount of education and information is probably going to be necessary before he can change his attitude and beliefs about sex … back to the counselor, I guess.

On the other hand, of course, it’s entirely possible that he’s so fed up with his role in sex — that is to say, the role that he has given himself — that he would like to experience a really  masculine role in sex. So maybe he is willing, ready and able to bring about some changes.  You could always ask him!

If you’d like to know more about delayed ejaculation, you can find information on this website.

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